UNDERSTANDING YOUR SPOUSE 2 BY MAMA OYEDEPO

Marriage, today, seems less binding than a social network contract. It’s quite unfortunate that couples spend hundreds of hours and millions of naira on the actual wedding day, but little or no energy, resources, or forethought whatsoever, toward the marriage that follows.
Effective communication among spouses, involves more than passing across a feeling, thought, message or desire. It goes over how a thing is said, when it is said and where it is said. In marriage, the word “communication” is broken down to “communion,” which means “sharing of thought and feeling.” Breaking this further, it gives us “commune” which literally means to speak together as close friends.
Until you successfully pass a message, a thought or a feeling across to someone else, you cannot be said to have communicated effectively. Having understood the place of effective communication in understanding your spouse, as discussed previously, it becomes imperative to unveil some principles that would enhance your communication style with your spouse, thereby bringing total understanding between both of you.

TRUST
Trust is the number one component in communication because it always keeps the communication lines open. You cannot effectively disclose your innermost dreams, thoughts and desires to someone you don’t trust. As a spouse, you must maintain an attitude of openness. You must not hide anything from your spouse no matter how minute. God’s Word says: And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed (Genesis 2:25).
Even if it is something that happened in the past that you know has to do with building trust, make sure you do not hide it from your spouse. This has resulted in the disarray of many marriages, today. Some individuals are even being blackmailed by such hidden matters in their marriages. For better understanding of your spouse, you must work at being trustworthy because trust is the solid foundation, upon which effective communication is built. Don’t destroy it!
OPENNESS
Openness is another vital principle. God’s Word says: …hide not thyself from thine own flesh (Isaiah 58:7). When two become one in holy wedlock, nothing remains a secret to just one. The Bible says: He that loveth his wife loveth himself (Ephesians 5:28). No one keeps a secret from himself, therefore, both of you must be open to each other in sincerity.
Openness breeds trust and trust is the foundation for effective communication. Don’t speak in parables to your spouse, else he or she will not understand you. Issues related to finances like issues relating to sexuality are often difficult ones for spouses to effectively communicate about. This is due in part to beliefs such as “you are supposed to know about that” and “adults should be able to take care of money matters,” as well as “you should be able to handle all your own problems without seeking help.”
I want to let you know that these are issues that you should pay proper attention to and be open about, when discussing with your spouse. This will enhance your communication and bring about intimacy and understanding. Understanding your spouse is not possible without being open to him or her.
LISTENING
Listening is crucial to effective communication. A wise man once said, “Good listeners are good lovers.” You must learn to pay close attention to what your spouse is saying. Any spouse who is more talkative or too quiet to respond to communication falls short in this area and needs to do something about it fast. There must be a talking and a listening, in order to have effective communication between both of you. Listening expresses care and attention.
As much as possible, avoid assumption or any form of distraction, when communicating with your spouse. You can even take a walk or a ride ALONE with your spouse, for better chances of effective communication.
Important issues should be wisely but thoroughly discussed. That is where correct timing comes in. Even when a matter so overwhelms you, you can still compose yourself to wait for the appropriate time to speak, else, you will forfeit the purpose of that communication. You must understand your spouse so well that you know when to say what, how to say it and when to say it (Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 7).
Remember, the essence of effective communication is to enhance intimacy, unity and love. Therefore, the words you speak to your spouse are meant to edify and to please, not using abusive words and hurting each other’s feelings. Be willing to admit when you are wrong and be ready always to say, “I’m sorry,” giving no room to the devil. These are fundamental facts to always bear in mind.
Always ask yourself these questions anytime there are things to be discussed:
Why am I saying this?
Will it make us a better couple?
What is my motive?
Will it destroy our intimacy or make my spouse lose respect for me?
All these will guide and help you achieve great understanding of your spouse.
The art of communicating with God fosters effective communication with your spouse. You cannot commune with the God you do not know. Therefore, it is of utmost importance for you to develop a relationship with God by accepting His son, Jesus Christ into your life. If you are ready to accept Jesus as Lord and Saviour, then say this prayer:
Dear Lord, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins. Cleanse me with Your precious Blood. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Now I know I am born again!